Jess and Fio Show 3: Jess and Fio are on the Air
by Bronwynne
Summary: Your favorite Gambit and Pyro Stalkers are back in the latest episode of Insanity! The girls celebrate Fio's impending nuptuials to Pyro (any confusion please go read the other Jess and Fio shows and the Remy LeBeau institute. You should also read Stalker
1. Cast of 'Characters'

Cast of Characters  
  
All these people are real. These are some of my X-Men Evo RPG buddies   
  
and one night I was bored at work and this crazy humor piece was born!  
  
Jess: Me! Intensely obsessed with Gambit. Also intensly afraid of Bunnies in all their forms.  
  
Fio: My fellow Evotic! She's obessed with Pyro and the fact that he's   
  
not gay. HE ISN'T GAY *eye twitch*  
  
Az: One of our instigators. Loves to drive Fio and Jess crazy.  
  
Bern: One of our British friends and Az's partner in crime.   
  
Tree: Our therapist, really she is. Uhhh I think.......  
  
Sashi: Our sane friend who thinks we need a one way ticket to Looneyville.  
  
Val: Our other British friend who *sob sob* We don't get to talk to very often.  
  
Dune: Our resident crazy boy. Talk about dark storylines......   
  
  
  
~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
NEW ADDITIONS TO OUR HAPPY FAMILY!  
  
Kona: Sometimes I think she's the sanest of all.........  
  
Min: Our friend from 'down under'. Fio's going to go live with Min and find her a Pyro!! YEEHAW!  
  
Sparkz: A new addition to our little family. He likes to say he killed Gambit and one of these days.... POW! Right in the kisser! 


	2. Jess and Fio are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

The Jess and Fio Show 3  
  
Fio's Bridal Shower  
  
(Stage lights go on and the stage is decorated for a party. THe X-Men Evolution theme song begins to play and Jess leads a blindfolded Fio onto the stage.)  
  
Fio: Can I take this blindfold off yet?  
  
Jess: Hold your horses! GEEEZ!  
  
(Jess waves to the sidelines and Bern, Marvel, Kona, Sashi, Min, and Val all rush onto the stage and hide.)  
  
Jess: Ready Fio?  
  
Fio: YES! TAKE THIS *BLEEPING* BLINDFOLD OFF!  
  
(Jess takes blindfold off. Fio looks around, slightly confused)  
  
Fio: What the f...  
  
(All of a sudden everyone jumps out of their hiding places and begin to yell)  
  
Everyone but Fio: SUPRISE!!!  
  
Jess: It's a bridal shower!  
  
Fio: YAY!  
  
Bern: We got you many presents.... But first things first.  
  
(Bern walks over to a large object covered in a sheet. Pulling the sheet off, she reveals Fio's Pyro Mannequin dressed in a tux)  
  
Fio: AHHHHHHH! (she glomps mannequin)  
  
Jess: Hee hee, just wait.....  
  
Sashi: So Fio, have you picked a day yet?  
  
Fio: No. I'm gonna have to suprise him. If he gets wind of a date, he'll dissapear off the face of the planet.  
  
Jess: You know that preacher I found? The one that will marry someone against their will? Yeah. Well you know he'll marry someone if they aren't even present..... (holds up left hand where everyone sees a huge diamond ring and a wedding band)  
  
Min: (grabs Jess's hand) What a rock! You could land planes on that thing!  
  
Kona: Jess.... I'm afraid to ask, but how did you get that?  
  
Marvel: And how do you know this guy will marry someone who isn't present?  
  
Val: And how did you manage to pull all this off? We all know you're nuts but.....  
  
Jess: Well, heh heh heh, it's a funny story....  
  
Bern: (interrupting) Where's Az?  
  
Fio: We locked him in a closet so he wouldn't torture us today.  
  
Jess: AS I WAS SAYING............ after our 'incident' (makes finger quotey gesture) at the mansion, I stole all of Jean's jewelry and hocked it, buying this diamond ring. Let me tell you, Princess Red had some REEEEEALLY nice stuff, but anyways, I bought the ring and wedding band, called that preacher and now I'm married to Remy LeBeau. Legally too. I just need to tell him.....  
  
Min: What? You're telling me you are LEGALLY married to him?  
  
Sashi: Jess.... he needs to sign the marriage license....  
  
(Jess gets a evil grin on her face)  
  
Fio: Uh oh...... I know THAT look...... what have you been stealing?  
  
Jess: Remember when Val and I looted the Acolyte base?  
  
Val: When you stole all Gambit's stuff?  
  
Marvel: When you stole the U-Haul?  
  
Kona: I MISSED THIS???  
  
Fio: You hadn't joined up with us yet.  
  
Kona: Oh. Well, can I stalk Scott?  
  
Jess: Sure. None of us want him. Plus he was being a real whiny cry baby when we were there last..... But yeah, so you guys remember me and Val looting the Acolyte base?  
  
Everyone else: Yeah.....  
  
Val: (laughing) That was so much fun......  
  
Jess: Well let's just say his signature was found on some documents and it well..... got transferred.  
  
Fio: (shakes head) Jess, you're nuts...  
  
Jess: Yes. Yes I am.  
  
Bern: (sighing) I wish Az was here.  
  
Jess: I don't. I don't have to worry about what kind of bunny terror he may unleash on me...  
  
Marvel: But that's always so funny........  
  
Sashi: How many concussions does Jess have left?  
  
Kona: What?  
  
Bern: Jess has five consussions left before she dies.  
  
(Jess grumbles and glares at Bern while mumbling something under her breath)  
  
Kona: You guys are counting down until she DIES?  
  
Bern: Geez... you make it sound so...... so harsh.  
  
Marvel: It's kinda like we are saying we want her to die....  
  
Jess: Ok, back to the subject. Fio... this is your bridal shower. We have much Flame Retardant Pyro Goodness planned for you today.  
  
Min: Pyro goodness.... Ha!  
  
Bern: This would be so much better if Az was here....  
  
(Unknown to the girls, one of the camera men has snuck away. The vierwers at home hear the girls screeching in the background and see someone's hand trying all the closet doors"  
  
Mystery Guest: Damn it! I know he's around here somewhere....  
  
(Mysery Guest keeps trying the closets. The guest finally reaches Fio's dressing room closet. Turning the handle and tossing open the door, the viewers at home are horrified at the sight that greets them)  
  
Az: Whaaa???............... (Az is wearing a hot pink bustier, a green lycra miniskirt, blue fishnet tights, white go go boots and has a tiara on his head. He's also applying purple lipstick to his lips.  
  
Az: SPARKZ! GO AWAY!!  
  
Sparkz: AHHHHHH! IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNS!  
  
(Sparkz drops the camera and the viewers hear him screaming as he runs around the room)  
  
Az: Chill out man! I've been in ther for hours. I got bored....  
  
Sparkz: Why did they lock you in there?   
  
Az: Because I'd ruin their stupid girl party.  
  
Sparkz: Oh.  
  
(Sparkz and Az sit in Fio's dressing room for a moment)   
  
Sparkz: Wanna go ruin their stupid girl party?  
  
Az: Yeah. Sounds fun!  
  
(Az and Sparkz begin to plan much evilness, meanwhile the control room switches back to the girls who are now making Fio open presents)  
  
Fio: Uh... Sashi.... these are..... interesting.................(holds up package of *ahem* erotic gummies)  
  
Sashi: Heh heh heh...  
  
Fio: Yeah.... (puts package of gummies on pile of already opened gifts)  
  
Jess: I have a present too! I stole... uh.... borrowed it with no intention fo ever returning it.... (hands Fio present)  
  
Fio: (opens present) AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY SHRINE IS COMPLETE!!!! (pulls a complete Pyro uniform from the box)  
  
Kona: Jess.... that's an interesting present....  
  
Jess: I KNOW!  
  
Min: Jess........ sometimes I worry about you?  
  
Jess: Why? OH LOOK! CAKE!  
  
Bern: I swear she has ADD....  
  
(The girls continue to do girlie stuff while Az and Sparkz are rigging the last part of their evil scheme)  
  
Az: Aaaaand........... everything is ready.  
  
Sparkz: When should we set it off?  
  
Az: (rubs hands together in Mr. Burns kind of way) Sooooooon......  
  
(Back to the girls, where they are now puzzling over how Fio is going to pull off this wedding and how Jess 'married' Gambit)  
  
Sashi: Really Fio... how are you going to pull this off?  
  
Fio: Very carefully. I'm enlisting some inside help....  
  
Jess: (excitedly) Is my husband helping you?  
  
Fio: Actually, yes......... Gambit is helping me.......  
  
Jess: OH HAPPY DAY!  
  
Fio: (to everyone else but Jess) How do I tell her he only agreed to help me if I keep her away from him?  
  
Min: He didn't!  
  
Fio: He did. She scared the crap out of him with all that happened when we busted into the mansion.  
  
Marvel: I still say the Ragin Cajun finally found a woman that's too much for him to handle.  
  
Kona: But she looooooooooooooves him.  
  
Sashi: In a wierd creepy stalker fangirl kind of way..  
  
Jess: Whatcha guys talkin about?  
  
Everyone else: Nothing!  
  
Jess: Uh huh.... riiiiight....... spill........... OH LOOK! There's cake left!  
  
Bern: (in a singsongy kind of voice) ADD............  
  
Marvel: Gee, you think? That girl has the attention span of a six year old in church that chuged at least a six pack of Pepsi ten minutes before hand....  
  
Bern: PEPSI?!?! WHERE?!?!?  
  
(There's a knock on the studio doors)  
  
Min: Who could that be? We're all here.  
  
Sashi: STRIPPERS?!?  
  
Fio: No Sashi. We're on live TV. No way the network would allow that.  
  
Val: How are you two allowed to stay on the air? With as many times Jess's knocked herself unconsious, you'd think they would have cancelled you guys...  
  
Fio: We're popular with the kids. Don't ask why.  
  
(Fio openes the doors. There's a huge object under a huge sheet. Two uniformed men roll it into the middle of the set)  
  
Val: Oooooh... what is it?  
  
Jess: Hey! Where's my Gamit mannequin? SOMEONE STOLE IT!  
  
Fio: Jess.... pop a valium or something and shut up.  
  
(Fio pulls sheet off the object. Once revealed her eye begins to twitch and everyone but Jess and Fio start laughing)  
  
Fio: (eye twitching) Azzzzzzzzz  
  
Jess: AHHHHHHH! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO MY MANNEQUIN????  
  
(The Pyro mannequin looks like it's making out with the Lance mannequin that's missing a hand and it's mullet, the Gambit mannequin is also there and it's wearing a bunny costume)  
  
Bern: What happened to Lance's mullet?  
  
Jess: I don't know.   
  
Fio: Yes you do. Jess and Scrawler (author's note: One of my reviewers! We have d000med Lance's mullet and now it has been!!) hacked it off.  
  
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE PUT A BUNNY SUIT ON MY MANNEQUIN! AZ MUST DIE!  
  
Kona: But I thought you locked him in a closet?  
  
Az: They DID! (pulls off hat and uniform. He's still in the pink busier, green mini, blue fishnets and white go go boots. the tiara and lipstick is gone)  
  
Min: (laughing hysterically) How did you get out?  
  
Az: What's so funny?  
  
Sparkz: (pulls off his cap and uniform) I busted him out!  
  
Jess: (temporarily oblivious to the bunny suit on Gambit) Uh.... Az. Nice outfit and did I mention we're live?  
  
Az: CRAP! (rushes offstage to change)  
  
(The girls bust into hysterics except Jess who's trying to remove the bunny suit from her mannequin)  
  
Jess: DAMN IT! He glued whiskers on his face... oh he's SO DEAD!  
  
Fio: THAT'S IT! The Lance mannequin must die. It's going into the compactor and then it's being torched.  
  
Az: (from offstage) PYRO IS GAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Fio: NO HE ISN'T! HE'S GONNA MARRY ME!  
  
Sparkz: So? He can marry you and still be gay.......  
  
(Jess thwaps Sparkz with the arm of the Lance mannequin that she 'accidentally' pulled off)  
  
Min: You know... this probably isn't all they've planned....  
  
Sashi: I agree with Min. Marvel, Kona, Val, and Min.... I suggest we seek cover...  
  
(The five of them build a fort out fo the tables and the sheets and call it Fort Stalkers)  
  
Kona: Yeah, we'll be real safe in here....  
  
Sashi: WE WILL! SASHI HULK SAY SO!  
  
Min: Where's Bern?  
  
Marvel: Plotting with Az probably....  
  
(There's another knock and a real live HONEST to god UPS guy comes in with a box)  
  
UPS guy: Is there a Jess here?  
  
Jess: ME! ME! ME! YAY PRESENTS!  
  
UPS guy: Ok......... lay off the sugar hon... sign here please....  
  
(Jess signes paper and begins to tear into the box while the UPS guy runs for his life)  
  
Sashi: (from inside fort) That poor box...... time of death....... 6:30 p.m.  
  
Jess: I loooove presents! (she finishes tearing apart the box and finds a envelope. She openes the envelope and reads the note, a look of confusion crossing her face) What the hell? It just says 'Look Up'.  
  
Fio: This won't end well.......  
  
(Jess looks up and two seconds later, an avalance of bunnies falls on her, the cargo net full of them having been released)  
  
Jess: (in sheer terror) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE ARMY OF MUTANT KILLER SPACE BUNNIES AZ CREATED! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Jess runs away and plows into the door. She falls back onto the ground, out cold)  
  
Sparkz: HA! TAKE THAT!  
  
Az: (returns wearing normal boy clothes) That'll teach you to lock me in a closet.  
  
Fio: So........ Az........ you came out of the closet?  
  
Az: Yep. Sparkz helped me. (thinks for a moment) HEY!  
  
Fio: You heard it here America! Right from Az's mouth! Sparkz helped him out of the closet!  
  
Bern: Oooooo Jess knocked herself out again......  
  
(Bern pulls out her remote and changes the scoreboard to a four)  
  
Bern: Wow... not many left.  
  
Kona: I still think that's wrong.....  
  
Sashi: It is. But it's still funny.  
  
(Jess finally comes to. The bunnies are now hopping all over her)  
  
Jess: Urrg............ Urk.....................Nrgh.....................GET THEM OFF ME! (she jumps onto the table and is surrounded by bunnies) Oh God, they're gonna finish what they started when I was 17....... they're finally going to kill me......  
  
Fio: Jess..... Chill. (Fio gets the fire extinguisher and blasts the little fur balls of terror into the back lot)  
  
Az: You think that's all I got in store?  
  
Sparkz: Ha ha hah....... that was only phase one.....  
  
Jess: So help me god Az... If you bring one more *bleeping* rabbit into this studio, I'm gonna kill you.....  
  
( a group of guys walk in. They look around and start talking amongst themselves)  
  
Fio: Who the hell are you?  
  
Guy #1: Hi, my name is David and we're with the National Organization of Gay Pyromaniacs. We got a call that there was a hot hunk of man named St. John Allerdyce that was interested in joining us.  
  
Fio: (clenches fists and grits her teeth, a look of pure rage on her face) Really? You did huh?  
  
Bern: Heh heh heh.....  
  
Sparkz: Wow. I swear, I see steam coming out her ears.....  
  
Jess: Az is such a dead man now.....  
  
(Marvel, Min, Val, Kona, and Sashi watch from their fort with extreme interest and a bit of dread)  
  
Kona: What do you want to bet she kills those guys? Any takers?  
  
Sashi: I don't know.....  
  
Min: I'll take it. I'll also say Jess helps becasue she'll forget what she's doing...  
  
Marvel: Yeah and I'll bet they say they also came for Gambit and Jess will lop off heads with Dune's machete.....  
  
Guy #2: As facinating as this is... is he here?  
  
Fio: Get. OUT. HE'S NOT GAY! If you guys EVEr come back here I'll personally turn each of you into extremely ugly women! NOW GET OUT!  
  
Guy #3: Look just because you need to pop a midol...  
  
Fio: THAT'S IT! (she lunges at the guys and begins to bitch slap all of them)  
  
Jess: Fio... you should stop. They could say this was a hate crime....  
  
(Fio now has the leader in a headlock and his face is starting to turn blue)  
  
Fio: SAY IT!  
  
Guy #1: Ok! Ok! St. John Allerdyce isn't gay!  
  
(Fio lets the guy go)  
  
Fio: Get lost. All of you!  
  
(The guys run out crying because they got hit and most of them broke nails)  
  
Jess: RUN YOU GUYS RUUUUUUUN!  
  
Fio: Where. Is. Az. and. Sparkz?  
  
Sparkz: Oh Crap!  
  
(Sparkz begins to run and is chased by Fio. Jess leaps off the table and runs offstage. She reaapears a few minutes later with a 'borrowed' golf cart. It's painted purple and says in hot pink letters on the side JESSMOBILE)  
  
Jess: Gotcha! (reaches out and grabs Sparkz's shirt)  
  
Sparkz: Lemme GO!  
  
Fio: No way.   
  
Sparkz: Aw maaan!  
  
Jess: Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaa  
  
Sparkz: Nutcase....  
  
Jess: Spaz  
  
Sashi: HA!  
  
Sparkz: Stalker  
  
Min: So true!  
  
Jess: Pedophile  
  
Fio: Pedophile?  
  
Kona: (shakes head) Pedophile.....  
  
Val: (makes icky face) Pedophile?  
  
Jess: Yeah.  
  
Sparkz: LOOOOOOSER  
  
Jess: Dead man  
  
Sparkz: Riiiiiiiight.........  
  
Fio: Oh yeah....  
  
Jess: Evan lover.....  
  
Sparkz: BUNNY!  
  
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Fio: *word bleeped out, we have censors you know*  
  
(Again they are interrupted by a guy walking into the studio in a bunny suit. He's holding a bunch of balloons and he looks around with much fear in his heart)  
  
Bunny Guy: Is there a Jess here?  
  
Jess: No you evil apparition. Go, before I smite you with my wrath...  
  
Bunny Guy: Uh, If there's a no Jess here, why does your golfcart say JESSMOBILE?  
  
Jess: BEGONE EVIL RABBIT!  
  
Bunny Guy: But I have a singing telegram.....  
  
Jess: I don't care if you have a million dollars that have been gold plated and encrusted with diamonds...... LEAVE! OR FACE MY WRATH!  
  
Fio: Really dude. Leave. Leave now. She'll rip your bunny ears off and shove them up your nose....  
  
Bunny Guy: Fiiiine... (puts box down and ties balloons to the scoreboard counting down Jess's concussions. As he walks away they hear him say) Psycho bitch....  
  
Jess: DAMN STRAIGHT! DON'T YOU FORGET IT!  
  
Fio: Has anyone seen Az?  
  
Sashi: (still in fort) Don't know. We haven't seen him for a while now.  
  
Jess: I saw him. He was sitting next to Elvis and Bigfoot on the UFO.  
  
(Fio takes Sparkz and puts him in a hidden cage)  
  
Fio: Now young man, you're gonna stay there and think about what you did!  
  
Marvel: Yeah! Bad Sparkz! BAD! BAD!  
  
(Jess swats Sparkz with a rolled up newspaper, while Az is sneaking off the set)  
  
Az: They may have twarted my plans THIS time... but I shall prevail!  
  
Bern: RUN AZ RUN! They spotted you!  
  
(Jess and Fio charge at Az. Fio had a lasso and Jess has a stun gun)  
  
Az: HA! UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN! (throws down smoke bombs and escapes out side door just as a different door busts open and the police barge in)  
  
Jess: What am I? Flypaper for freaks?  
  
Min: The police? AGAIN? Don't they always barge in?  
  
Sashi: (sighs sadly) Yeah.  
  
Val: When the police come, it basically means the show is over.  
  
Police #1: Everyone freeze!  
  
Jess: Don't stick us up! Take what you want, but leave the cake and my Gambit mannequin alone!  
  
Police #2: Why do I always end up here? These girls are crazy....  
  
Fio: Yep. We're crazy.....  
  
Jess: Crazy enough for post office jobs!  
  
Police #2: Why haven't you two been locked in padded rooms yet?  
  
Kona: We've been wondering the same thing.  
  
Sashi: Can we have them commited?  
  
Police #2: Please do. I'll make the call.  
  
(Police #2 takes out his walkie talkie and radio's for two ambulances)  
  
Police #2: Make sure they have some hefty sedatives. And lots of it.  
  
Fio: You can't commit us! Only family can!  
  
Jess: Ha ha!  
  
Bern: Well, we kind of already got their signatures. Nighty night time you guys!  
  
(Bern shoots Jess and Fio with MORE tranquilizers. Big suprise there. Jess and Fio slump to the floor as the paramedics rush in)  
  
Parmamedic #1: Not these two again....  
  
Paramedic #2: Let's get this over with....  
  
(Jess and Fio fight off the tranquilizers and fight the paramedics)  
  
Bern: HOW DO THEY DO THAT! I UPPED THE DOSAGE! AGAIN!!!  
  
Fio: AZ! WE WILL HAVE OUR VENGANCE!  
  
Jess: Viewers at home! Beware! Az is loose! He's highly disturbed and highly dangerous!  
  
Paramedics: Hold still!  
  
Jess and Fio: NO WAY!  
  
(Paramedics finally sedate Jess and Fio and take them away)  
  
Val: Wow. What a bridal shower......  
  
Kona: I know!  
  
Marvel: Imagine what the wedding will be like........ 


End file.
